lovely

So my husband and I actually had sex for once. And it almost sent me into premature labor. Now I am on strict "No Nooky" orders from the doctor right when my husband's almost non-existant libido is actually picking up for once. NOT FAIR!

another fight

I had yet another fight with my husband last night. He was using the computer so I was watching TV. A show he doesn't really care for, Food Network Challenge, but since he was using the computer, I figured it was a good chance for me to watch. The game he was trying to play wouldn't work, so he got pissed at the computer and stormed to the other room. When he came back out he was pissy and said "Can we at least change the damn channel to something besides a cooking show?" I just sort of stared at him for a minute, thinking "You watch what you want all the time. You're home most of the day so you can use the computer almost whenever you want. You change the channel anytime the kids or I are watching something you don't like and you decide you want to watch something. What the hell?" and told him, "Fine, watch whatever the hell you want." He got pissed at me for it and starting banging things around in the kitchen, then threw the dish of food he'd just heated for himself (since the dinner I made was apparently not good enough) and yelled "Well I lost my fucking appetite." and started to walk away. I yelled at him to put his shit away and he screamed later. I yelled, "No! Now!" because I know if he didn't do it then, I would end up having to do it because he never would. And I am sick of cleaning up after him. I am sick of catering to his wants all the time. I am sick of him acting like the world owes him everything he desires and it should all be served to him on a silver platter. Basically, I am just getting flat out sick of him.

I hate feeling this way

More and more lately, I have begun to realize I resent my husband. To say our marriage has been strained is an understatement. And it has been getting worse and worse.

One issue is that he told me he had quit smoking. For 2 months, I thought he had. Then I find out he had been lying to me about it. Yea, I would have been upset if he had told me the truth, but to find out he had been sneaking around behind my back and lying to me about it was a huge betrayal of trust. And since I found out, he has done nothing to try to help me trust him again.

Another issue is that I realize more every day how hard I work and how little he actually does to help. I have a full-time job, along with all the cooking, all the cleaning, all of the care of the kids when I am home. All of it. What does he do? Works maybe 10 hours a week and spend the rest of the time sitting on his ass, or napping the day away.

Our sex life is all but non-existant. How I ended up pregnant is beyond me since we have sex maybe once a month, and he barely seems to care anymore about it actually being satisfying for me when we do.

But the biggest thing I resent, is every day closer I get to having this baby, the more I realize that when he is only 6 weeks old (if we can even make funds stretch that long) I will have to go back to working full time and my husband will get to stay home with the baby. Which I desperately want to do. And I don't know that I really think he will take good enough care of the baby. He is lazy and puts everything off until the last minute. How can I be sure that he won't do the same thing with diaper changes and feeding the baby? He gets mad at the older kids for making too much noise even when they are just being typical kids. He gets annoyed at the idea of having to do anything that he doesn't enjoy. He thinks his own happiness and entertainment is more important than anything else. and he constantly smells like smoke, so even if he doesn't smoke around the baby (he promised, but he breaks promises to me all the time) the baby will still be exposed to the smoke all the time because Micah can't go an hour without a cigarette. How the hell is going to take care of an infant?

I've wanted to be a stay-at-home mom since I found out I was pregnant with Sebastian, but that has never been an option I had. Being a single mom for so long made it impossible. And it makes me angry that even though I'm not a single mom anymore, that still continues to be a choice I will never have. It's not fair that the lazy slob laying on the couch right now, napping again (he's only been up for 4 hours and gets more sleep in 2 days than I do in a week) gets to stay home with the baby, but I can't.

frustrations

2 blogs in a single day. Must be a record!

Anyway, I just got really annoyed about something and feel I need to vent.

My husband and I share a house with my dad. We moved in due to some financial problem and continue to stay largely because he and my mom got divorced and, frankly, Dad is lousy at taking care of himself. So we stay. We pay rent, I do 99% of all of the house work, all of the grocery shopping, 99% of the cooking... You get the idea. I also pay for most of the groceries.

This morning I went to make myself a sandwich. Something I rarely do. I don't really like bread that much. But I really wanted a peanut butter and banana sandwich. I opened the bag and pulled out 2 slices of bread to find it was moldy. This was almost a whole loaf. The biggest irritation about this for me is that Dad insists on buying Wonder bread. Which is almost $3 a loaf. I would prefer to buy the store brand that is less than a dollar. If I am going to spend $3/loaf on bread, I want it to be fresh from the bakery or multi-grain. Something other than plain, white bread that doesn't taste any different from one brand to the next. Doesn't make sense to me. I really hate to throw away an almost whole loaf of bread, especially when it was bread I spent 3 times as much on in the first place. I hate being wasteful. I buy it mostly for my dad and husband, who keep saying they eat sandwiches a lot and Dad leave me to believe he has bought more a couple times since the last time I did. Then I find the one time I want a sandwich, I can't have it because the bread is moldy and is probably the same loaf I bought.

I am grumpy now. I don't get my sandwich unless I go to the store and buy more bread. And it will have to be me that goes. Because even though I am sick, and have been throwing up because this baby like to make me nauseous anytime I get hungry, noone else in the damn house will go. And if I don't buy the $3/loaf junk, I will have to listen to endless whining about it for days. I have begun to think that men are only even a little independent from the age 6 until they get married. After they get married for the first time, they become incapable of doing anything for themselves anymore. My dad and husband would both starve if I didn't shop and cook for them all the time. Even though I work full time and they both work part time. Even though I do everything around the house. Neither one of them can be bothered to do a damn thing to help.

don't feel well

I've been feeling sick and yicky lately a lot of the time. Largely this is due to a higher than average amount of pollen than is typical for this time of year. Also, none of the cold or allergy medicine I can actually take right now does any good. I might as well pop a couple of Skittles and call it medicine. mmmmmm, Skittles.... No!! Bad!

Trying to stay away from too much junk. My total weight gain for this pregnancy as of my last doctor's appointment was only about 7 pounds, which since I am so overweight already is a good thing. I am trying to keep it to 10-15 pounds at most. Baby is growing fine, I'm just not gaining much. Speaking of pregnancy, my due date is 8 weeks and 6 days away. Not that I am counting or anything...

I'm really looking forward to having this baby and being done being pregnant. Permanently, as I plan to get myself "fixed" after this one. I love my kids and am happy to be having another, but this is it. I am done. I always wanted to be done having kids by 30 and I'll be 30 about 5 months after this little one is born. I know, a lot of people don't even start having kids until their 30s, but that's just not for me. I have literally been a mother or at least and expecting mother my entire adult life. I would like, when my children are all old enough to be out on their own, to still be fairly young and to feel like I still have time to do a lot of the things I can't now. Like drop everything and take a spur of the moment vacation or weekend away without having to plan it around kids. I'll be 47, almost 48 when this kid turns 18. Works for me. Does that make me sound horrible and selfish? I hope not.

I fail

I guess my attempt to try to remember to blog every day failed. But hey, it's been less than a week. Big improvement over my many month gap before. I keep thinking if I can get better at organizing my thoughts, I can become a better person. And I want to be a better person. I don't like much about myself and I want to change that. I want to look in the mirror and be proud of the person I see staring back at me.

So, first I think I need a list of goals.

I want to be financially stable. I don't feel like I am. It's always such a struggle to make ends meet and we are getting no closer to being able to buy a home. I work full time but my husband doesn't. I feel like to some degree this is my fault, because I have let him get away with slacking for so long that making him change now is almost impossible.

I want to be a better mother. My kids are my world, but sometime I feel like a failure in the motherhood department. I do my best to spend as much time with them as I can, but having to share them with their dad and working full time really cuts into that. So I feel bad on the rare occasion I choose to do anything without them because it's that much more time I am missing with them. I want to be able to spend more and higher quality time with my kids, but I want to be able to have some time for me now and then, too.

I want to lose weight and be healthier. Losing weight isn't a priority until after the baby is born, but it is a concern. I have been unhappy with how I look and feel for a very long time.

These are my top 3 changes I really want to make in my life. Now I just need to figure out how to implement them.

Not very good at blogging

So, I'm not really good at this whole blogging thing. I forget to do it. Even though I think it's a great way for people to organize their thoughts.

So I've decided to try to remember to do it every day for a week to see if I can get into the habit.

The biggest and most important thing going on in my life right now is that I am 6 1/2 months pregnant with my 3rd (and final) child. I am really excited about it. But in the 6 1/2 years since I had my last one, I forgot how uncomfortable and yicky pregnancy can be. Either that, or this one is just much more yicky. My back hurts, my legs and ankles are at least twice their normal size. My hands are so swollen I've had to start wearing my wedding ring on a cord around my neck. My boobs can barely be constrained by my bras. I should really buy new ones, but I can't find any cheap ones that fit and are comfortable. And I am NOT paying $50 for a bra that will only fit for a couple months at most. Because I know once my milk comes in, my boobs are going to swell to the size of a small country. I'm not exactly small busted as is so comfortable bras that fit are hard enough to find when I'm not pregnant.

I am expecting my 3rd boy (as long as my doctor read the ultrasound right). We have a girl name in mind just in case, but we are mostly planning for a boy. My other boys are really excited about it. They are 10 and 6, will be 11 and 7 not long after the baby is born. They were both kind of hoping for a girl, but they are good with another boy, too.