I hate feeling this way

More and more lately, I have begun to realize I resent my husband. To say our marriage has been strained is an understatement. And it has been getting worse and worse.

One issue is that he told me he had quit smoking. For 2 months, I thought he had. Then I find out he had been lying to me about it. Yea, I would have been upset if he had told me the truth, but to find out he had been sneaking around behind my back and lying to me about it was a huge betrayal of trust. And since I found out, he has done nothing to try to help me trust him again.

Another issue is that I realize more every day how hard I work and how little he actually does to help. I have a full-time job, along with all the cooking, all the cleaning, all of the care of the kids when I am home. All of it. What does he do? Works maybe 10 hours a week and spend the rest of the time sitting on his ass, or napping the day away.

Our sex life is all but non-existant. How I ended up pregnant is beyond me since we have sex maybe once a month, and he barely seems to care anymore about it actually being satisfying for me when we do.

But the biggest thing I resent, is every day closer I get to having this baby, the more I realize that when he is only 6 weeks old (if we can even make funds stretch that long) I will have to go back to working full time and my husband will get to stay home with the baby. Which I desperately want to do. And I don't know that I really think he will take good enough care of the baby. He is lazy and puts everything off until the last minute. How can I be sure that he won't do the same thing with diaper changes and feeding the baby? He gets mad at the older kids for making too much noise even when they are just being typical kids. He gets annoyed at the idea of having to do anything that he doesn't enjoy. He thinks his own happiness and entertainment is more important than anything else. and he constantly smells like smoke, so even if he doesn't smoke around the baby (he promised, but he breaks promises to me all the time) the baby will still be exposed to the smoke all the time because Micah can't go an hour without a cigarette. How the hell is going to take care of an infant?

I've wanted to be a stay-at-home mom since I found out I was pregnant with Sebastian, but that has never been an option I had. Being a single mom for so long made it impossible. And it makes me angry that even though I'm not a single mom anymore, that still continues to be a choice I will never have. It's not fair that the lazy slob laying on the couch right now, napping again (he's only been up for 4 hours and gets more sleep in 2 days than I do in a week) gets to stay home with the baby, but I can't.