Stupid back

My back is an evil abomination. Truly, it is. It never seems to do the right thing for a back. The right thing being NOT hurting.

I thought I had a raging kidney infection. I've had many of them in my life, so I was trying to treat it myself by ingesting large quantities of unsweetened cranberry juice. For those who are unfamiliar, unsweetened cranberry juice tastes almost nothing like the juice cocktails or juice blends bearing the name cranberry. It is VERY tart and sort of bitter. Which means I love it, but most people who taste it end up making a face similar to those "bitter beer face" commercials from several years ago. Now, even though I love it, drinking an entire quart in one sitting for several days in a row can be a bit much. Not to mention the stuff is like $7 a quart. Pricey.

After all of that, it was not getting better and I kept feeling worse, so I finally gave in on Christmas Eve and went to the ER. I would have gone sooner, but Christmas Eve is when I dropped Oscar off with his dad for a visit and had time to go without hauling a boisterous 1 year old along.

Turns out my kidneys are just fine (for a change). I strained my lower back in the exact right spot to FEEL like my kidneys were trying to claw their way out, and have ovarian cysts adding to the fun.

Add this to my other back problems and it's not exactly what I call a good time.

So now, I am taking prescription pain killers (which I hate) along with some more natural pain relief (which I prefer, but it just wasn't cutting it this time).

Vicodin makes my head feel all floaty.

Do you know what I REALLY want for the holidays this year?

There are a lot of holidays this time of year, from many faiths. Which one(s) you or I celebrate is not the important thing. They all include the tradition of giving gifts to those you care about. People often ask what I would like. And yes, things are tight for me right now. It's a struggle.

But to be honest, I have so much more than some others out there. So if you really want to know what I want most this year, it's for a little more love to be spread in this world. Whether that means making a donation to your local food bank, homeless shelter, a children's hospital, or any other charitable organization, or if it just means lending a helping hand or a few kind words to a stranger. Or it could mean calling or visiting an old friend or family member you haven't talked to in way too long. Or even just taking the time to learn to love YOURSELF a little more.

This world has plenty of "things". We all have stuff. I don't need more stuff. But the one thing we could all use more of is love. You can never have too much. And the more you give, the more you have.

So if you really want to know what I want for the holidays this year, that's it. Love. For me, for you, for everyone.

Yesterday sucked... until it didn't!

I may or may not have mentioned that I suffer from more than one mental disorder. Including fairly severe clinical depression. Yesterday, it hit me HARD. I had realized my kids are going to be spending Christmas with their dads. I'm not sure that I will have the gas money to get to my mom's. I am too broke to even BEGIN Christmas shopping, for even my kids, and unless I get some cash as a gift, I won't be able to until tax time. Along with the rest of the crap going on in my life, the depression got to a point it's never been to before. I was seriously the most depressed I have EVER been.

I was sitting on my bed, in tears, wishing someone, anyone, would care enough to call or text me or something. That happened. My friend, Robb, texted me. Robb and I have been friend since we were 15. A few days after starting school in a new town my sophomore year, we ran into each other. Literally. We really met, because playing floor hockey in gym class, we were both running for the puck and ran head first into each other. And that seemed to happen to us quite a bit that semester, until he (and everyone else who'd been in my class) had to take health the next semester (I had taken it at my old school the previous year) and I got a whole new load of classmates for gym.

He was the son of our principal (who HATED me, seriously hated me) and librarian (who did not hate me, but thought I wasn't good enough to date her son). So when the next year he and I dated, they were less than thrilled. We broke up, because being 16 and realizing you are getting way too serious about a person you are dating can be a bit scary. But he truly was my first broken heart. It never fully healed. We always seemed to drift back towards each other, but never dated again. People often thought we were dating because when we were near each other, we found it almost impossible NOT to snuggle and smooch and do all those things dating people do. Until my senior year (his junior, he is older, but had to repeat kindergarten), and I was dating the biological father of my oldest son and one time he started to kiss me and I told him not to.

After school ended, we saw each other a handful of times around town. The I moved to the larger town about an hour's drive away and didn't see him again until a few years later. Ran into each other at the mall. He was home from college visiting his parents and decided to come to larger town to see a movie (one of the theaters was in the mall) and we happened to run into each other.

Then did not see or hear from each other again for years. He moved to Denver. That was all I knew. Until about 4 1/2 years ago, do to the glory of social networking sites (in this case is was myspace, but we have each other on facebook now, too) we found each other and started talking regularly again. When I had to go to Denver for some special training for work a few months after that, we hung out for a while. I was already married by then, so we behaved ;). But anyway, I realized that the bond we've always had never went away. It's changed over the years. But never gone away. So we've kept in touch (Yay internet!).

Yesterday, I think he saw my post on facebook about how depressed I was. He texted me. We talked for quite a while. And I feel better than I have in a very long time.

Wow. Just... wow

So far, I have discovered the following things that my ex-husband-to-be has lied to me about for the past 6 1/2 years:

Lie #1
He told me that he had made special arrangements to have his $420/month child support deducted from him disability before he receives it.

Truth - He has never willingly paid child support. Only once when he had a regular job and part of 2 settlements he got for getting hurt were any payments ever made. He is almost $44,000 in arrears. The $243/month he gets for disability is ALL they have determined he is entitled to.

Lie #2
He told me he served in the US Army for 6 1/2 years.

Truth - It was 2 1/2 years

Lie #3
He barely made it to the birth of his oldest child, because of military duty, and had to rush into the room, leave his rifle in the corner and barely made it.

Truth - His son was 6 months old when he left for basic training.

Lie #4
He said he'd spent most of his service deployed. To places like Somalia (according to him, he was there when the events Black Hawk Down is based on took place) and Bosnia.

Truth - He was never once deployed, never sent out of the US for any reason.

Lies #5 & 6
His service ended when he had a major parachuting accident, with 2 panels of his chute blowing out and him dropping 50 feet (though he told my parents it was more), compacting his spine, breaking most of his bones, and ruining his shoulder for life.

Truths - His career ended when he conveniently reinjured his shoulder which was weak from an old baseball injury while on the obstacle course shortly before he was supposed to go on a deployment that he told his wife of the time he was going to try to get out of.
His only parachuting accident was twisting his knee from landing on a pile of dirt wrong when he was in basic training.

Lie #7
He was part of the 101st Aireborne

Truth - He was part of the 102nd Quarter Master

Lie #8 - He was a Ranger (aka Long Range Patrol)

Truth - He was a fuel clerk

Lies #9 & 10
He brought his wife to live with him as soon as he could and his son was born in a military hospital.

Truths - He didn't even contact his wife for several months after leaving for basic training (and taking the last $50 she had to her name with him) and his son was born locally

Lie #11
His first marriage ended because she was abusive to him while he was recovering from his "injury"

Truth - His first marriage ended because he was cheating on her with the woman who would become his second (ex)wife

So yea... I am officially getting a divorce.

Last night, my husband and I had a fight. Thing came to a head. Thing were said. Things that I cannot and will not forgive. Not ever.

So he went to stay with a friend. He will probably continue to stay there for a while. The friend has a spare room that is big enough for him and for Oscar to sleep in as well when he visits Daddy.

So, yea. Getting divorced. And to be honest, I am surprised it took this long.

I've decided to try something new.

This whole "no income" thing is kicking my family's ass. So, I decided to try something I came across.

It's actually a cute idea. Iced cookies, with custom designs and images printed on them. These aren't your eat anytime, everyday cookies, obviously. But for party favors, like at weddings or anniversary parties or sweet 16 parties, they would be cute.

http://aprylmae.picturecookie.com/

“What is right is not always popular. What is popular is not always right.”

This is an excellent quote that I think represents the issue I am about to address well. Because my view on the subject is definitely not the popular view right now, but in my heart of hearts, I do believe it is the right one.

I am fully aware that I may anger some of my very dear friends with this. Some old friends, some new. All of whom I care for and respect very deeply. I ask that you please refrain from name calling, and disrespecting me or anyone else who posts a reply, whether you agree with me, them, or whatever.

Now, on to the (very touchy) subject at hand:


I have seen a huge number of posts lately regarding the building of a new mosque in New York, near the site of “Ground Zero”. Most of the post have been opposing it. I do NOT oppose it.

Many people are opposing it based on the idea that “they attacked us”. Yes, it's true that we were attacked. It was a horrendous and tragic day, for our country as a whole, for the families of the men and women who died, and in many ways, for the world as a whole, as it has lead to yet another war, which affects the entire world. And I will (shamefully) admit that the next time I personally saw a person who was dressed in such a way that I drew the conclusion they were Muslim, I felt angry and afraid at the sight of them. I was wrong to feel that way.

The problem with that is people are directing the blame at the WRONG PEOPLE. The Muslim faith did NOT attack us. Al-Qaeda attacked us. Al-Qaeda is not supported by the vast majority of Muslim people. They do not represent the Muslim faith as a whole. Their actions are not condoned by the Koran. And many innocent Muslims lost their lives that fateful day as well. Some were firefighters, police, and EMTs who desperately tried to save other lives that day.

So why then, do we continue to direct hatred and blame at all Muslim people? They are not the ones who attacked us.

I have heard it said that it is “a slap in the face” and disrespectful to have a mosque built so close to Ground Zero. There are strip clubs and betting houses as close or closer. There is a 2 story, underground MALL directly UNDER GROUND ZERO.

So, what? It's okay to go to Ground Zero for some new underwear and an Orange Julius, then go a block or two to get a lap dance, and bet on a horse race, but it's “disrespectful” for a Muslim to go a couple of blocks away to pray? How does that make any sense whatsoever?

I have heard some of the opposition talk about how it is important to preserve history in the area.

The neighborhood that the mosque is planned to be built in was, for many years, known as “Little Syria”. Why, you may wonder. Because it has, for over a century, had a predominantly Muslim population. In fact, at one time, it was the only part of New York City where Muslims COULD live. And the exact site is currently occupied by an abandoned Burlington Coat Factory. Wouldn't it be a better representation of the history of the area if the site were occupied by a place of worship than an abandoned coat store?



Now, onto my more personal feeling about it.

There is far too much hatred and intolerance in this world. And the more hate and intolerance we send out, the more we receive in return. So wouldn't it make more sense to try sending out a bit of love and acceptance? Maybe, just maybe, if we try that, we will slowly start to receive more love and acceptance in return. Couldn't this world do with a bit more love and acceptance?

One of the founding principles of this great nation was that of religious freedom. Not “Freedom of religion, unless you are a Muslim”. That principle is one of the key things that made this country so great.

Our forefathers sought freedom from oppression. We have since fought numerous wars to keep that freedom, and to try to bring that freedom to others. My own husband is a disabled veteran. And his exact word on the subject are “I did not fight and get hurt to protect only the freedoms of the rich, white, Christian male. I fought to protect the freedoms of ALL people.”

So, to simplify, “We the people” is supposed to be ALL of us. “All men are created equal” is supposed to be ALL of us. And “Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” is supposed to be for ALL of us. Lets stop trying to oppress our fellow Americans. Let's STOP spreading hate.

special. really.

My husband went to see a friend tonight. A friend who didn't talk to him for nearly 2 years. Never told him was leaving town, joining the military, getting married, preparing to have a kid. None of the things that happened in the past couple years. But he ran into his brother and found out he would be in town for a few day and today he got here. So over 5 hours ago, he left to go hang out for a bit.

I called to see if he had even a guess as to when he would be home. And the only answer I can get is "Later."

I almost never get to go out. He does more often. He uses the excuse that he is home all day. Yea. WHILE I AM AT WORK. Not out having fun. Not out seeing friends. At work. And HE could be out of the house every day. And he would get to go to work every day too. If he would GET OFF HIS ASS AND GET A FRICKING JOB.

Damn skinny bitches

Not that all skinny women are bitches. Not that I even KNOW she's a bitch.

She is probably perfectly lovely. As a matter of fact, the few times I've spoken to her she seemed pleasant enough.

But have you ever heard that country song that came out in like 1999? "I really hate her. I'll think of a reason later."? Yea, that describes it pretty much perfectly.

Skinny. Bitch.

Does anyone actually read this thing?

Just curious.

Isn't that special

Micah and I are both sick. Which would suck enough on it's own, but he is REALLY annoying when he is sick, and I am much easier to annoy. He keeps yammering on and on about how he feels so awful or about how gas stink even worse since he is sick or how he is the most sick poor little baby on the damn planet and I want him to just SHUT THE HELL UP. So finally I tell him "You are driving me crazy." and he gets mad at me for being mean to poor little him while he is sick and I know he is a wimp when sick. Yea, well I am sick too remember and you are getting on my damn nerves. He says "Well maybe that's why you are getting so annoyed." Maybe so, but would he rather I just silently seethe when he is driving me crazy and I am on my last damn nerve? Apparently so. He said as much.

Intimacy

I've come to realize that this is what I am most missing from my marriage. I could probably deal with the lack of sex, if I was getting any other sort of real intimacy. But I'm not. Micah kissed me yesterday (a quick, zero-passion peck) and I realized it was the first time in over 2 weeks he had kissed me at all. He doesn't hold my hand when we go places. He usually doesn't even walk next to me. He doesn't touch me, kiss me, hold me, tell me things that are on his mind.

It's gotten so bad that I don't even bother to give myself any "self lovin" any more, because I feel so unloved, unattractive, unwanted that it seems pointless. I start to try and it just makes me more depressed realizing that no one else wants to touch me that way.

It feels more like I have a roommate than a husband.

I miss feeling desired.

since I am linking this somewhere

maybe I should actually make a post for a change.

Let's see...

Oscar is 3 months old today. He has grown so fast it is incredible. Isaac will be 7 day after tomorrow.

And we are mostly settled into the new apartment.

Thangs are still funky between me and Micah. But they are most of the time. I love him, but I;m not sure I like him very much most of the time. He is selfish, arrogant, lazy, and obnoxious. But I am too stubborn to give up just yet. Maybe eventually things will improve. But for now, I just live with the fact that we are little more than roommates who have a kid together.

Little man is 8 weeks old

seems crazy that he has already grown so much.

On a further note, I get my tubes tied tomorrow, so no more babies for me.