God

God. What is God? There are a lot of varying beliefs about this matter. I've decided it's time to put mine to words.

One of the closest descriptions I have read is actually in a science fiction book. In the Robert Heinlein book, Stranger In a Strange Land. “Thou art God, and I am God, and all that groks* is God!”

• The word groks also came from the book. It translates to “to drink” but means more than drink. A thing that “groks” is anything that lives, in any way. Plants, animals, people.

This is a pretty good description, but I really feel it goes deeper than that. God is part of everything that exists naturally, and everything that exists naturally is part of God. The Earth itself, the dirt, the water, the air, the sky, the other planets, the stars. Everything. God is existence itself. Everything that is, everything that ever was, everything that ever will be.

I hear God's voice in the songs of bird, the crash of waves, the wind in the trees. I see God's face in the stars, the eyes of a child, the way things move. I feel God's love in the kindness of a stranger, the gentle touch of an animal, the beauty in everyday life.

God is part of everything and everything is part of God. There is beauty, love, joy, pain, hate, anger in every moment of life.

That's why it's so important we work together with each other as much as possible. We are all a part of something bigger. And it's part of us. God is in each and every one of us. Which means we are all part of each other as well. Everything we do effects everyone else, and while often imperceivable, those effects still matter.

There is no one path to enlightenment. There is no one way to God. There is only your own for you. There is only my own for me. Many times, paths cross and converge, and are sometimes shared, at least for a time. But that doesn't mean the times they don't are wrong. It just means during those times, for the ones following them, their paths are meant to be separate.

You know what's really awesome?

The entire damn world. Right now, I am in such a happy frame of mind that dark chocolate and red wine was almost a downer to my mood. Seriously, how happy do you have to be for chocolate and wine to make you LESS happy? Because that's how happy I am right now.

I amazingly happy

I've had a really good few days. I found a job. Temporary, part time, and only a little over minimum wage. But it's working for an organization with a goal I care about. So that more than makes up for the other things. I would do it on a strictly volunteer basis, but for now, they are paying a bit. Because they really need the help due to an upcoming ballot issue for our city. Once the paid job ends, I will probably keep volunteering.

I got my tax refund the other day, so I've been able to catch up on some bills I've been behind on. And do a few things I have wanted to, also.

I've gotten to spend a lot of time with my kids, especially littlest one. Which has been awesome.

I've also gotten to spend a lot of time with a good friend who I like a lot. As in A LOT. So that's been good.

I know, over all, I am, and have always been, very blessed. But things have been going really well lately and it's been quite nice.

I feel positively negative

If you read my blogs but don't know me, it's likely you think I am an incredibly negative person. Not true. I'm actually really positive most of the time. I am nice to everyone, try to be a good friend, take care of the people around me, and do it with a smile on my face.

Yesterday, I had a very NOT positive moment. I found out yet another person who I'd met lied to me. Made me feel completely like crap. And I started thinking about the other people in my life who've done the same things. Which made me feel more like crap. The crappy feelings kept building until I had an emo moment explode all over a good friend who did not deserve it. I feel terrible about that.

But I still feel like crap. I can't seem to shake this feeling of being a worthless idiot who most people only hang around because I am a sucker who will give them the shirt off my back even while they're stabbing me in the back while I hand it to them.

Last week was very odd

The beginning of the week was pretty typical. But by Wednesday, it took a serious turn for the weird.

A little back story is needed here. You see, the marriage between my mother and legal father was not a happy one. As a matter of fact, it was very UNhappy. Due to this fact, my mother had an affair. Now, since my legal father is sterile (which is why all of my siblings are adopted), when my mother became pregnant, it was pretty obvious to all concerned parties that her husband was NOT, in fact, my biological father. He still signed my birth certificate and claimed me. He never held it against me, and always treated me like his own just as much as he did my brothers. When I was nearly 14 and found out about all this, I gained a lot more respect for him. It was a contributing factor to their marriage becoming even more unhappy and ending, but I was never treated like it was my fault in any way.

Anyhow, after finding out about my biological father, I wanted to meet him. Not because I need a dad in my life, I already have 2 great ones. But because I feel like it would be nice to know a bit more about where I came from, and well, I think it's important to know a bit about medical history on both sides of my biological family. But I never got the opportunity to meet him. For about 17 years now, I have been hoping to.

Wednesday, I got a message and friend request on Facebook from my biological father. We've sent each other a couple of messages now. He seems pretty nice.

Friday, more feelings of weird were added, because my mom and her boyfriend announce they are getting married. Probably in June.

I think the biological father things wins out for which is weirder. But still...

You know what would be really awesome?

If the man I am currently divorcing were the slightest bit dependable.

All day, Oscar has been asking for "dada", several times even going to the door, patting it and saying "Bye. Dada."

In other words, I can tell he wants to see his daddy. And he was supposed to get to today. But that isn't going to happen. How do you tell a 1 year old that?

When we first separated, he told me he wants equal custody. Honestly, the idea doesn't thrill me, but I want to be fair. So I made several suggestions about how we could split up the time. He opted for a week at a time. One week with me, then one with him. Ok. Except the only time he has actually kept the baby for a full week so far was when I spent 5 days of it hospitalized, then 2 with my mom recovering from surgery. And he got pissy at me for those 2 days with my mom.

So last week, he was supposed to get Oscar Sunday. He canceled because he had a cold. Which I also did and had for a week. Monday, he finally took him because I wigged out a bit about the fact it had been over a month since I had had a real break of any kind (I don't really consider hospitalization and surgery a break) and that he needs to follow through on having Oscar when planned, or not at all. But it turns out the people he is renting a room from don't deal well with having a baby there for a full week. They like Oscar, but they aren't really used to kids and it's a bit much for them. I picked him up Thursday morning.

So Micah suggests 3 days at a time with each of us. My better suggestion, Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and every other Thursday with him. Fridays, Saturdays, Sundays, and every other Thursday with me. This gives him every single weekend to do whatever he wants, and gives me a baby break on nights that there is actually something I enjoy doing going on.

But now, he's canceled for this week. And Oscar wants daddy. Mommy won't do. As a matter of fact, when mommy tried to pick him up, he gets upset, cries for daddy and slaps mommy.

A 13 month old child doesn't understand the concept of "wait".

12 glorious years

12 years ago today, I first looked into incredibly beautiful blue eyes set in the most handsome face I had seen up until that time. And ran my fingers through the softest, blondest hair I have ever seen.

My son, Sebastian, turns 12 today. Since then, the eyes have turned to my unusual type of hazel. The face is still one of the 3 most handsome I have ever seen. The hair has darkened, still light enough to call blond, but just barely.

Everyday, he continues to amaze me and make me proud. And frankly, he spoils me as a parent. He is such an easy kid to raise. He's responsible, kind, generous, extremely intelligent, does well in school, almost never gets into any kind of trouble.... And all because he WANTS to.

Responsible - This kid VOLUNTEERS to do extra chores. Sometimes just because he is bored. Sometimes because he thinks I need a break.

Kind - He will go out of his way to hold a door for anyone. Or to give back something to a person who dropped it.

Generous - He actually, by choice, saves most of his birthday and Christmas money every year. Why? Because he wants to be able to buy things for other people. He got a little upset that I wouldn't let him use his Christmas money to pay for my prescription after my recent surgery.

Intelligent and does well in school - He attends a charter school that lets kids work at their own pace. Therefore, while he is still technically a 6th grader and in classes with other 6th graders, he is doing 9th grade math. And 8th grade everything else except Social Studies (7th grade there) and the same level of PE as the rest of the class. Also, as his foreign language, he chose Gaelic. The school uses Rosetta Stone and that was one of the choices.

And the last time he got into any kind of trouble? He accidentally knocked a kid in school over. That's the closest thing to trouble he has caused in ages.

He is an amazing kid. I am so lucky to be his mom. I love you, Sebastian. Happy birthday!

I feel human!

I feel almost back to normal after my health ordeal. The incisions are almost healed (though sometimes a bit itchy) and I am eating pretty much the same as before. For a few days the slightest hint of fat in food made my stomach very unhappy. I don't have a particularly high fat diet anyway, but this was insane.

Also, I fulfilled a very liberating task that helps to solidify the fact that my marriage is O-V-E-R! A task that provess what a nerd I am , but still, very liberating. I went through my hard drive and uninstalled all the stupid, useless, unwanted by me programs and game that my wasband (awesome word, huh?) had installed on my laptop.

I'm healing

But I have had to take the painkillers the doctor prescribed me. Which I totally hate. But without them I am a whiny ball of goo that can't leave the sofa. With them, I am at least a more mobile ball of goo.

Slowly but surely, my incisions are getting smaller, and my bruises are fading. And I am down to 1 Percoset every 4 hours instead of 2. It's a step in the right direction. Go me.

Guess how I spent New Years? Go ahead, guess!

In the hospital! I'm almost wondering if my discomfort and back pain from right before Christmas was my first warning sign.

Anyhow, you might be wondering WHY I spent New Years (and a couple days on either side of it hospitalized. The answer is pretty simple.

My gall bladder tried to kill me. Literally. Turns out I had gall stones. Painful little beasties they are, but also, as it turns out, potentially dangerous and deadly. What happened, is in the process of one trying to pass through my system, it got itself stuck in the duct shared by the gall bladder and pancreas. This caused the bile being made by my pancreas to back up back into the pancreas. Which made it start to try to digest itself. Ouch... Which ALSO made it become severely infected. Which also made the enzymes levels in my liver all wonky. And made my kidneys struggle. And got my heart beat all irregular. And quite literally could have killed me had I not caught it quickly enough.

Luckily, I did. Micah was planning to come by to pick up some things he needed that were still at my house. I was feeling rather unwell and it just kept getting worse. I finally realized something was WRONG. So I called him and asked him if he would drive me to the ER when he got there. because I was in too much pain to drive. Took a while, because the roads were crap, but he got there and helped me load up the baby and drove me to the ER. After many tests, they figured out what was wrong and admitted me.

They spent several days pumping me full of antibiotics, pain killers, fluids, and shots to the belly to prevent blood clots. After a few days of this, my other organs were back under control enough that they were able to go in and removed my gall bladder.

Still having to watch things closely, and have spent a couple days with my mom, she's helping me while I heal. Luckily, Micah has been able to keep the baby while I try to recover. Hopefully in the next day or 2 I should be okay enough to go home and have my baby back.